• 1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
• 2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
• 3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
• 4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
• 5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• 6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• 7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• 8. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
• 9. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
• 10. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the apple you're eating.

************************

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

************************

Bobby who is 4 asked his mother, "Mommy, where does the mail come from?"
"The mailman delivers it," replied his mother.
On Sunday Bobby's class was having a lesson about the three men (Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego) who were thrown into the firey furnace because they refused to obey the King's command to stop praying. The teacher asked the question, "Who do you think will deliver them?"
With a huge smile Bobby shouted out, "The mailman will deliver them!"

************************

• Plumber's Truck Sign - "A Flush is Better than a Full House"
• Restaurant sign - "Evening Special! Men dine half-price when accompanied by a lady of equal or lesser value."
• Vet's office sign - "All unattended children given free kitten"
• Real Estate Office sign - "Get Lots for Little"
• Parking Lot outside Vet's office - "Parking for customers Only, all others will be neutered."
• Pizza shop slogan - "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
• At a tire shop in Milwaukee - "Invite us to your next blowout."
• Hair Salon Sign - "Curl Up and Dye"
• At a Towing Company - "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want your tows."
• In a Nonsmoking Area - "If we see smoke we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."
• Costume Rental Shop Sign - "Disguise the Limit"
• On Maternity Room Door - "Push, Push, Push."
• Furniture Store sign - "Our mattresses are for the rest of your life!"
• Dry cleaner slogan - "25 Years on the Same Spot!"
• Ahlgrim & Sons Ltd, Funeral Parlor and Mini-Golf "Free inside mini-golf. Call ahead, because play is canceled if there is any funeral work."
• Knife Sharpening Shop - "Business is good when things are dull."
• Sign at a Diary Farm - "All we have we owe to udders."
• Sign at an Historic Cemetery - "Rules regarding plantings and displays enforced to the high standard of appearance expected by the residents."

************************

Age is a matter of mind; If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

************************

Andy Rooney on Prisons: I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

************************

• "Help blow up and decorate the church with balloons on Easter morning."
• Closing Hymn will be "Good Christian Fiends Rejoice"
• Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
• We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
• The Women's Missionary Union will meet the first yesterday in January.
• Today's Message: The Church's Stand on EUTHANASIA. Opening Song: TAKE MY LIFE
• Today's Messages: The Lord Commanded Peter to Feed My Sleep.
• Women on Missions (WOMS) will meet Thursday at noon. Childhood will be provided in the nursery.
• Nursery helper needed to change the nursery sheets and wash the dirty ones each wee.
• The Wilsons would like to extend their thanks for the kindnesses that were shown to them during their time of need by their dead friends.
• Special Recognition today goes to Jim Stubenson a 10-ear member of our Church.
• Special Notice: The pastor requests that you drive slowly when on church property, otherwise, we will have to install bums on the driveways.
• Elections for head deacon and dead deaconess will be held at next month's business meeting.

************************

• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
• Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
• There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
• There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
• After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
• Now take Congress for example, every time they make a law, it's a joke. And every time they tell a joke, it becomes a law.

************************

An official from the Wildlife Department received a call from a man who requested that the deer-crossing sign near his home be removed. He followed the request with, "If you remove the sign fewer deer will be hit because the deer will stop crossing there."

************************

• "Slain Woman Tied To Kansas Man At Trial"
• "Man Ruled Ignorant Enough to Serve as Juror in Murder Trial"
• "Searchers Find Big Ugly Child"
• "On the 4th anniversary of the Iraq war, President Bush pleaded for more patients."
• "Women's elf-defense Classes Scheduled."
• "Teenager Caught Throwing Snowmobiles at Houses"
• "Miracle Cure Kills Fifth Patient"
• "Police shoot man who was stabbing himself"
• "Why have do we public schools?"
• "Brief Cooking At Low Heat Recommended For Diabetes"
• "Cuts Could Hurt Animals"
• "Dumped Fish Remains Upset"
• "Judge Honored For Juvenile Work"
• "No Cause of Death Determined For Beheaded Victim"
• "Officials Suspended Over Hotel Fire"
• "1.6 million Cherokees Are Recalled"

************************