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Just for Fun
Issue 19-8-2010
My life has an excellent cast; I just can't figure out the plot.
Crazy Signs
- In a New York Cemetery: "Positively No Holes Dug In This Cemetery."
- In the bathroom of Chinese Restaurant in Detroit: "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH YOUR HANDS."
- At a Diner in Massachusetts: "We Guarantee Fast Service No Matter How long It Takes."
- On an Arctic River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
- In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
- In a Paris hotel elevator: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
- In a hotel in Athens: VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 A.M. DAILY.
- In a Hong Kong supermarket: For Your Convenience, We Offer Courteous, Efficient SELF-SERVICE.
- In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
- In the window of a Swedish furrier: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
- In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
- In a New York pharmacy: "We dispense with accuracy."
- In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
- In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
- Sign in Auto Repair Garage in Seattle: "WE ARE SORRY BUT WE CANNOT ACCEPT ANY CUSTOMER PARTS OR FLUIDS."
- Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: ENGLISH WELL TALKING. HERE SPEECHING AMERICAN.
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Recently my daughter returned from a trip to Turkey and brought back several bags of pistachios for us to enjoy. My son was familiar with the red variety of pistachios and questioned the different appearance of the nuts. My daughter explained, "Those are Turkey pistachios."
My son replied, "Wow! They're making everything out of turkey these days."
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What's the definition of a will? - It's a dead giveaway.
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A young actor was cast in a performance of Julius Caesar. One evening, at the height of the dramatic scene where Caesar is brutally stabbed, an off-stage phone suddenly rang. Without missing a beat, the actor queried, "What do we tell them if it's for Caesar?"
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Minds are like parachutes - they function only when open.
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Mixed-up News Headlines & Ads
- Police were told the culprit wore a banana over his face.
- For Sale: Engine head pennies real nice $1.25 each
- For Sale: 2005 Convertible $2000 6-speed, 7191 miles. Faster than a porch.
- Dairy Queen seeking person with supervisory and fat food restaurant experience.
- For Sale: Never opened - Women's Colon: Large "Clean Shower Fresh" $48
- For Sale: Cross-cut saw by Lindon man with newly sharpened teeth.
- Ad in Kentucky newspaper: "For Sale - Used Cows."
- Law firm Ad: "If you have experienced accident, injury, or even death, please call us."
- Shoe Store Slogan: "We Sell Only The Right Shoe!"
- Auto Repair Slogan: "Our goal is to have you drive away a satisfied customer."
- Newspaper Headline: Deer and Turkey Hunt for Disabled People
- Newspaper Headline: Man Held Over Giant L.A. Brush Fire
- Newspaper Headline: Traffic Dead Rise Slowly
- Newspaper Headline: Illegal Aliens Cut In Half By New Law
- Newspaper Headline: New Housing For Elderly Not Yet Dead
- Newspaper Headline: The New Bride Collapsed Killing 5 People
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Nutty News Bulletins
- Official Announcement for Anchorage, Alaska: The State Board of Fisheries is considering whether to impose a seasonal catch limit on tourists.
- News Flash: Queen Elizabeth arrived in Paris to begin a visit that inspired the warmest welcome the French have given a royal figure since they guillotined their own Queen Marie Antoinette.
- Newspaper Apology: We are sorry but owing to the lack of space and the rush of editing this issue, several births and deaths will be postponed until next week.
- Newspaper Headline: In the head-on collision of the two passenger cars, five people were killed in the crash, two seriously.
- City Council Weekly Report: Following a report by the police department that the dog population during the past year had increased by 26, a resolution to install two new fire hydrants was approved by the City Council.
- Health News Flash: One of the central tenets of modern medicine is that the earlier your doctor can catch a disease, the better.
- Officials said Wednesday that an outbreak of scabies at the McArthur Nursing Home was contained this week after the facility and its residents were sterilized.
- Employment News: 15 research workers at the Federal Agricultural Research and Training Station (FARTS) were dismissed Tuesday. However, three of the workers have regained their FARTS position.
- Tax News Bulletin: Families with 12 million children will not qualify in the tax credit this year.
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Copyright ©: 2011 Cindy Carman. All rights reserved.
No reproduction of this article may be used without the express written permission of the author.
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