|
Just for Fun
Issue 26-6-2010
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Mangled Newspaper Headlines
- Bangladesh Rewards Man Who Kills 83,000 Rats With Color Television.
- Lawyer Calls Soul as Witness
- Complaints about NBA Referees Growing Ugly
- Murder Trial Moved to Clinton County to Avoid Impartial Jury
- Man Attempts Armed Robbery With Knife in Gun Store
- Laid-off Workers Recalled to Fill Diapers -Menasha, WI newspaper
- Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800 Pound Ball on His Head
- Winners of Drunk Driving Contest Announced
- Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial
- The Defendant was Charged With 2 Counts of Carrying a Concerned Weapon.
- Security Firm Loses Oakland Airport
- Hat Crimes Bill Passes Senate Committee
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Dentist Gets Plaque
- Man Found Beaten, Robbed by Police
- Cemetery Allows People to be Buried by Their Pets
************************
Newspaper retraction: Due to a transcription error it was reported yesterday that Mr. Roger Cauldwell will be knighted next month. It should have read: Mr. Cauldwell will be ninety next month.
************************
Cremation Ashes To Diamonds?
There is a company that, for $14,000, will take your cremation ashes and compress them into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewelry for a loved one.
For more information see: lifegem.com
************************
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were dimmed, and the choir walked down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little girl started to sing loudly, "Happy Birthday to you..."
************************
Rejected State Slogans
- New Mexico - "We Have Reservations"
- New Jersey - "Reduce Noise Pollution - Shoot Crickets"
- New York - "English Spoken Here - Sometimes"
- California - "Silicone Implant Capital of the World"
- Tennessee - "A Great Fixer-Upper"
- Arizona - "Sunblock Capital of the U.S."
- Florida - Proud Originators of the "Is He Still Alive? - Home Testing Kit"
- Wisconsin - "Smell Our Dairy Air"
- Minnesota - "Land of Many Cultures - Mostly Throat"
- Idaho - "Land of a Billion Eyes"
- North Dakota - "Imagine Your Compound Here!"
- Montana - "Bring Your Own Guns"
- Missouri - "Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work"
- Utah - "Now Open 6 Out of 7 Days"
- South Carolina - "If at First You Don't Secede Try, Try Again."
************************
My neighbor asked a local Pet Groomer how much for a haircut for the family dog.
She was shocked when he said the price was $40.
"I only pay $10 to get my hair cut," she criticized.
Quickly the Groomer replied, "But you don't bite, do you?"
************************
A notice posted near the reception desk at the Theology School read: The Body of God is In the Bookstore
Handwritten beneath the posting were the words: "Police are investigating."
************************
Goofed Up Ads
- In a San Diego newspaper a chiropractor's ad was misprinted to read: "New Patient Special - Come in and get a flea examination."
- Classified ad in an Indiana newspaper was misprinted as: "Part-time housepeeper needed."
- Cruise Ship advertisement: "Join us aboard the Sun Princess for four days of cursing and relaxing."
- Laundry advertisement: "We have Someday Laundry Service"
- Remodeling and Wallpaper Contractor Ad: "Hanging Yourself Could Be Painful so Get a Pro to Do It"
- Train to be a Certified Nursing Assistant. Stop by today for an application. Backyard check required.
- For rent downtown: 2 BD, 2 bath condos, covered parking. $800 mo., deposit, references required. No smiling/pets.
- Quail Creek Apartments is looking for a self-medicated handyman with a good attitude. Apply today.
- FOR SALE - Whine and Cheese party set
- Needed CHILD CARE Provider. Apply in person, Jack & Kill Childcare
- Missing Dog: Small Golden Brown Palm Iranian. Cash reward upon return.
- Neurological Specialists Ad: "We can take anyone with severe memory loss and help them forget they ever had it.
- Portrait Studio ad: "Why not have the kids shot for Easter?"
- MUST SELL: 3 grave plots in Crown View Cemetery, very reasonable and air conditioner.
- PART-TIME HELP WANTED - Must have drivers license and car with outgoing personality.
************************
One day I stopped by the chambers of a judge with whom I had a friendship. As he removed his robe I noticed a shiny black pistol holstered to his side. I knew he had never been too enthusiastic about guns so I asked, "Why are you carrying a gun?"
He explained that he had received some recent threats and he had borrowed the pistol from the confiscated weapons room in case he needed some protection. Then he added, " I picked this one because it looked so intimidating, but it hardly weighs anything. I hope I don't need to use it soon because I don't even know how to load it."
As I examined the gun more closely, I commented, " Loading this gun will really be easy. We can fill it at the drinking fountain in the hall."
************************
Copyright ©: 2011 Cindy Carman. All rights reserved.
No reproduction of this article may be used without the express written permission of the author.
|
