• SPECIAL TODAY! - One-ton Soup
• SALE! Tires Slashed!
• Unique Gifts Mamogramed Towels and T-Shirts
• Register To Win - A Caribbean Cruise for 2 to Alaska
• Butchered Peasants For Sale, $5/each
• Offer Ends While It Lasts
• Pro Pain Tank -Camping size $20/obo
• Give Blood & Make Your Own Sundae, July 13th
• HELP WANTED: Dumb truck driver needed full or part-time CDL required.
• Hilltop Inn " A Wonderful Place to Lose Your Appetite"
• Malad Fire Station -Rabies vaccination cost $10 ** Senior Citizens will receive one free shot with proof of age.
• Slightly Used Tombstone For Sale: A good buy for someone named Hans Grobecker.
• Now You Can Borrow Enough Money To Get Completely Out of Debt!
• Dental Cleaning - 100 percent non-painless

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• Capital punishment means the criminal is put to death by elocution or gas.
• The word refrain means don't do it. For instance, a refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
• When a person is choking you should perform the Hemlock Remover.
• Green persimmons are a rich source of indigestion.
• People who get examined by eye doctors often find that their eyes and headaches disappear.
• An optimist is a doctor who looks after your eyes. A pessimist is one who takes care of your feet.
• Natural immunity is catching a disease without the aid of a physician.
• Kindred is an unusual fear of relatives.
• A landmark in Paris is the Eyeful Tower.
• Someone who runs for an office he already holds is called an incompetent.
• Quartz is the name of 2 pints.

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A teacher was quizzing her Sunday School class to see if they understood what a person needs to do to get to heaven.
She asked her class, "If I sold my house and car and all my furniture and gave all my money to the Church, would that get me into Heaven?"
The class unanimously responded, "NO!"
She then asked them, "If I cleaned the Church everyday, mowed the Church lawn, and cleaned the sidewalks and parking lot, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again the children responded with a resounding, "NO!"
The teacher asked, "Well what if I was kind to animals, loved my husband, and gave presents to all the children, would that get me into Heaven?"
Once again the children answered, "NO!"
The teacher with pride now believing that the children had truly understood what one must do to get to Heaven asked, "So then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy confidently shouted, "You gotta be dead."

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"Those who stand for nothing fall for anything." Alexander Hamilton

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• 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
• Tiger Falls Apart, Shoots 85
• Judge Presses Jackson's Suit
• March Planned for Next August
• Lingerie Shipment Hijacked, Thief Gives Police The Slip
• Outhouses Aired at Council Meeting
• Woman Hospitalized By Accident
• Police Hope To Calm Fears of Stabber
• Stadium Air Conditioning Fails-Fans Protest
• Board Fills Hole In Post
• Women's Body Seeks Member
• Judge Selects Doctors To Help Implant Jurors
• Dog Owner Ordered To Pay $1,000 To Bite Victim
• Jail Releases Upset Judges
• British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Close

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On a trip to the park one day Billy's grandmother asked him, "Aren't the flowers and trees beautiful? It looks like an artist painted this scenery. Did you know that God created this beautiful scene for us?"
Billy answered proudly, "Yes, I think God created the trees and flowers and he used only his left hand."
Billy's Grandmother was confused as to where Billy could have gotten such a notion so she asked, "What makes you think God only used his left hand to create this scene?"
"Well," Billy answered, "we learned in Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand."

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The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

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