• When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.
• The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.
• Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
• If you need to heave during the Service, please do so quietly.
• We pray that our people will continue to jumble themselves.
• The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence will be pinned to the church bulliten board.
• Visitors are asked to sing their names at the church entrance.
• The pitch-in dinner will be hell in the perish hall.
• The Ladies Society will be selling their new cookbook at the church supper this Wednesday night. The proceeds will help purchase a stomach pump for our community hospital.

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Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children'.

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• "Aim towards the Enemy." -- Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
• "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -- USAF
• "When the enemy is in range, so are you." -- Infantry Journal
• "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -- U.S. Air Force Manual
• "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -- USAF
• "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." -- Quote at the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base in Kadena, Japan
• "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
• "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." -- Unknown
• Blue Water Navy truism: "There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." -- From an Aircraft Carrier sailor
• "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." -- Unknown
• "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -- Unknown
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

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A church maintenance worker left a note attached to a receipt in the office for the church secretary. The note read: "Van Battery Dead." The secretary, not realizing that the note was referring to an automobile battery, included this announcement in the church bulletin: "The Church was saddened to hear of the passing of Van Battery. Our condolences go out to the whole Battery family."

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• Alabama - Ignrint - and Proud of It!
• Alaska - Oil-slick-free for 15 years
• Arizona - Now over 50% Skin Cancer Free
• California - The Gas Mask Friendly State
• Florida - Ultimate Funeral Home Director's training ground
• Idaho - Home of Mr. Potato Head
• Illinois - The Sucker State (real motto)
• Kansas - The Squatter State (real motto)
• Minnesota - Home of the Blond Hair and Blue Ears
• Mississippi - The Mud Waddler State (real motto)
• Missouri - The Puke State (real motto)
• Montana - The Singed Cat State (real motto)
• Nebraska - The Bug-Eating State (real motto)
• Nevada - The Nuclear Test Site State
• New Jersey - The Mosquito State (real motto)
• New Mexico - The Vermin State (real motto)
• South Carolina - The Swamp State (real motto)
• South Dakota - The Swing Cat State (real motto)
• West Virginia - The Snake State (real motto)