• Headline: "Former Prominent New Yorker Had Liver in Paris for 8 Years." - NY Evening Post
• Headline: "Sam M, 80 Held for Shooting Grandmother's Husband." - Greensboro News
• Headline: "Huntington Cemetery Reports Good Year; No Depression In Business" - Patchogue, LA
• "Out of the 50 guests more than 30 had been married to the same man for more than 20 years" - LA Times
• "Thieves killed a calf and butchered it for the second time in the last week." - Brownville, PA newspaper
• "Desirability of marital law to give the US Army full sway in relieving Louisville's flood victims was discussed today." - Birmingham, AL newspaper
• "He told police that one of the men menaced him with a wench while the other covered him with a revolver." - McConnelsville, OH paper
• Obituary headline: "Brother Smith Has Gone To Rust." (Correction of obituary the following day): "Brother Smith Has Gone to Roast."

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An old lady attended her church after a long absence. She noticed a new bronze plaque in the foyer of the chapel, and after the service she asked the minister what it was. He explained that it was a memorial to the men who had been in the services. "What are the dates listed beside some of the names?" she asked. "Those are the ones who died in the service," the minister replied. She inquired "Was that the 9:30 AM or the 11:00 AM service?"

• 10. Never try to baptize a cat.
• 9. Never spit while riding a roller coaster.
• 8. Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
• 7. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
• 6. Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
• 5. Never pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
• 4. When you get a note from the teacher, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
• 3. Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes.
• 2. Never tell your mom her diet is not working.
  And the number ONE Acorn of Advice from Children:
• 1. When your dad is mad and asks, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer.