• Headline: "Prisoners Escape From Prison Farm AFTER Execution" - Rochester, PA Newspaper
  
• Headline: "Santa Rosa Man DENIES He Committed Suicide in South San Francisco" - Burlingame, CA Newspaper
  
• Headline: "Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax." - Witchita Falls, TX Newspaper
  
• Headline: "Prosecution Bases Case on Post-Mortem Statements of Woman He Killed." - Scranton, PA Newspaper
  
• Headline: "Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung" - Oakland Newspaper
  
• Headline: "Officer Convicted Of Accepting Bride" - Raleigh Newspaper
  
• "The bride is to be resurfaced with brick, laid herringbone style on a bed of sand with concrete mixture in the joints." - Wilmington Newspaper
  
• "After Governor Baldridge watched the lion perform, he was taken to Main Street and fed 25 pounds of raw meat in front of the Fox Theater." - Idaho Newspaper
  

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• 10. He always reminds you, "Where there's a will I want to be in it."
• 9. Says he was successful in digging up many of your ancestors, and has them waiting in his car for your approval.
  
• 8. He does his best "possessed" impersonation and twists his head completely around.
  
• 7. Constantly refereeing argument between his talking hand and his imaginary mother.
  
• 6. Declares he has traced your lineage back to your Mother's alien abduction incident.
  
• 5. Keeps reminding you that for an extra $50 he can prove your pedigreed relationship to the last triple crown winner.
  
• 4. His assistant is a mannequin.
  
• 3. He never could quite get rid of that twitch from the botched lobotomy.
  
• 2. He ends every sentence with, "in fulfillment of the prophecy."

  And the number One Sign Your Professional Genealogist is Nuts:
  

• 1. Despite all his excellent research, the nurses still won't let him have anything sharp to write it down with.

A sign posted in a cemetery in South Bethlehem, PA reads, "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."