• Headline: "Stolen Painting Found by Tree."
• Headline: "Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66."
• Headline: "Farmer Bill Dies in House."
• Headline: "Miners Refuse to Work After Death."
• "Widows made to order. Send us your specifications." - El Paso newspaper ad.
• "Wanted-Woman to sew buttons on fourth floor." - NY building sign
• Mrs. Kary continues under the doctor's car. However, at this writing, her condition is somewhat improved. - PA newspaper
• "The murder of the man and the finding of the body was followed by a series of tragedies, including the suicide of the murdered man." - Times-Register, Idaho Falls, ID.

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• 10. The Ultimate computer - Monitors their vital signs while they work and beeps when they need a nap.
• 9. Champagne Carbonate - The light Champagne fortified with calcium. (Also available with extra estrogen and testosterone.)
• 8. Memorec Pocket Device - They'll never forget again. This handy continuous-loop pocket tape recorder constantly records the last three minutes of their memory. If they forget where they are, they can just play back the recorder through the cordless earphones disguised as hearing aids and pick up their last thoughts without missing anything.
• 7. Smart Mirror magically reflects how they really want themselves to look. Full length mirror contains patented 3D holographic software which removes extra weight and wrinkles, projecting an image they can feel proud of.
• 6. Am I Dead? Handy home test kit includes pocket mirror for breath detection, assorted pins to test pain response, brain-wave monitor, electrocardiogram, and best-selling book "100 Symptoms of Death" compiled by leading Society of Undertakers.
• 5. Epitaph Perfect - Latest software program from WordPerfect helps them compose their own professional Tombstone inscription.
• 4. Chairwheeler Off Roader - Get a wheelchair for all their weekend recreation. Choose from our all terrain or ski-chair models.
• 3. Remote Control ID - Never loose Gramps in the mall again. At the push of a button his radio activated wristwatch with global positioning chip sends you the exact coordinates of his location.
• 2. Bright Smile Designer Dentures - A set of dentures for every occasion. Choose from three popular styles: Model A5 -Elegant Gold Tooth Dentures will dazzle their friends with a single gold tooth fixed among rows of pearly white beautiful teeth. Model B4 - Fragrant and flavorful Chocolate and Mint Enhanced Dentures will help them avoid embarrassing denture breath. Model C-6 Our most sought after Glow in the Dark Dentures will help them find their teeth no matter where they have left them. All come with complete warranty and designer label.
  And the number One Christmas Gift To Get Grandma and Grandpa:
• 1. Bifocal Car Windshield.

A Londoner while in Plymouth, MA bragged to a resident there, "In London if you stand on the London Bridge and shout, you can walk across to the other side and buy the "Echo".´ (He meant, of course, the "Echo" newspaper.)
Not to be outdone the man from Plymouth declared, "That's nothing! Here in Plymouth you can stand on the Plymouth Bridge and shout, and then go across to the other side and see the Sound."